Day 9
Not much wen on today because I'm still waiting for that guy to get back to me with the new FTP info... Did some backlinking for my reward site.
Logged into adwords, now all my quality scores are 1/10. Sent them an email - that frustrated and depressed me. They just say "oh hey sorry about our mistake, I'll get a spe******t to get back to you in no more than 2 business days" 6 days later they haven't said a word and my account is damned. I hate Google. Whitehat and I can't catch a goddamn break. My most profitable method so far is out the window.
Anyway.
I made $3.71 today between the reward site and the myspace site. That was terrible.
SO I TOOK A NAP!
And before I took a nap, I had posted on the forum of the game dev. community I was a part of when I made a game that was very similar to this FB app I'm wanting to create, trying to describe it and asked if anyone had it; when I had woken up, someone had posted it. So that was good and turned my mood around. Swear I'm bi-polar or something. Manic? I tried to figure out everything I had developed right after I first discovered what abuse was and that that's what happened to me (still didn't know it was classified as a cult experience), but it was just overwhelming. -_-
Feeling okay since then... It's like I live at a level 0 and sometimes when I'm sick I get a fever and go to 8-10, then over a few days shrink back down to 0. I'd like to just sit at a 6-7. I'm not sure why I am experiencing good feelings and thoughts lately. I hope it's not just because of that sickness I had a couple days back. I don't think I used to be depressed so bad but I can't really remember. But I'm very aware of any and all changes, like being in a dead-silent room, and sometimes hearing sound. It could be a pin dropping, but you'd hear it because it's so quiet. So I know when I experience the slightest hint of a good thought/feeling. I really want to have that all the time. I'm hoping financial freedoms and opportunity to pursue a dream I once had been will really help with my stability and happiness. Well who isn't happy when they get what they really want? That's all it is I think. But I'm also hoping my skin will thicken up again and, as well, all these damn emotions will cool it and everything will just calm down and stabilize. I want to be a normal dude again. I want to be certain of who I am and what I want, too. I don't want to be weird or unwhole inside. I want to gain everything back that they took from me, if only in a different light. Well I'm going to build this facebook app, and I hope I can enjoy doing it. I want to enjoy being alive and not just because I have a fever. But right now it's like an on/off switch.. Either I have a fever and I feel alive, or I don't and it's just like I might as well be dead - no joy, no motivation, no desire, nothing good, and very unstable. Just work to do with the hope that it will bring success and success will bring good feelings back.
So, feeling all right tonight, even having some disappointment and concerns, they don't hurt me or totally take me out. It just makes it easy to deal with everything. Feels like that brick wall I'm pushing against is moving out of the way, and the weight on my back is being lifted off, and the pressure on my chest is being relieved. Like the stones on my ankles are growing lighter and the sun's coming out again, and I can feel its warmth on me. I want to feel like this all the time. I don't take pills or any medicine for anything ever, but if getting what I want can't help me out emotionally, chemically - physiologically - I hope then anti-depressants can give me my life back.
I've read about it all though.. Extreme, prolonged abuse leads to these massive brain lesions and they just cause all kinds of problems that do terrible things to people. God I hope it's reversible through long-term achievements of physical health and success. Getting started now will be the hardest part, pending any major catastrophes.
At the end of the day when my head hits the pillow, I want to be hopeful for tomorrow. I want to have dreams again: positive, hopeful, exciting desires. I want to feel satisfied and respected and loved and excited and happy and peaceful. I'm sick of not being able to sleep because I'm angry and afraid and anxious and sad and ashamed and disgusted with what or who I am and sickly, sickly depressed. Rejected, abandoned, invalidated, disrespected, betrayed, used, lied-to, uncomfortable, empty, unappreciated, victimized, ostracized, disappointed, discouraged, resentful, bitter, mad, confused, unfulfilled, frustrated, unsupported, insulted, mocked, worried, unprotected, exposed, overwhelmed, violated, hopeless, tense, unmotivated, lost, trapped, manipulated, frozen, disconnected, isolated, lonely, suicidal, homicidal, conspired against and ignored. Crazy - absolutely crazy how all of this huge, terrible stuff can just evaporate and seem so small and so far away.. just because I have a fever and feel good? None of these thoughts can be thought and none of these feelings can be felt when I feel good. Then the only thing I feel is foolish for expressing myself at all when I was down. All I think is "Man, I wish I hadn't expressed myself; made myself appear different from everyone else; pushed people away. Wish I could take back behaving weird now that it doesn't matter to me. And now that I don't feel so narcissistic." I'll probably feel the same way tomorrow when I wake up. I might even erase this. I mean, I did say this would be a personal journal but I don't know how personal I want to get here. Well it ain't like I'm making anyone read my crap. This is more for me, to see where I was and what progress I've made, and to remain encouraged by this. There really aren't that many people out there who can relate to fighting through these specific emotional and personality disorders. So this stuff might be just for me. If you read it and don't like it, don't like me or don't understand, that's all right, you don't gotta say nothin'.
Hoping profits pick back up tomorrow, really not sure what's been up the last two days..